Saucy Stallion

Cole Pacis, Staff Writer

Fifty-two years ago, the Jesuit High School Plank interviewed a white stallion known as Elmer. He was an aging horse, one who loved the simple things: sleeping and eating. Elmer also loved a stunning white racing horse that lived nearby. Everyday, he would fondly gaze at her from a distance; Elmer became her secret admirer.

Eventually, the two young horses would wed. Elmer and Lucy lived contently for some time. They often went on walks together and both enjoyed their shopping trips to Ross. One day, Lucy bore Elmer a child, a son, a beautiful baby colt.

They named their son Douglas, after a dear friend they met while vacationing at the Kentucky Derby. When thinking of the textbook definition of ‘yoked,’ one would find Douglas listed as a synonym. His leg muscles rivaled those of a Jesuit rugby player’s and his triceps were as hard as steel.

Due to his exceptional athleticism, Douglas raced every speedy equestrian he met and outran every one of them. Douglas soon became local legend.

While rehabbing a crippling injury he sustained in a race, he was visited by the nurse Bessy, an Arabian horse. Soon enough, Bessy and Douglas wed.

Douglas named his son after his father, Elmer, lovingly refering to Elmer II as Deuce.

Deuce is a Brown Stallion that lives in Cameron Park (He moved away from Carmichael). He relishes in partaking in long strolls in the forest, even if the birds and bees hassle him because he is a horse.

Deuce also loves to cook.

“It’s been my life goal to be a chef,” he said.

He then described his source of inspiration for his journey through the culinary arts.

“When I was seven, I saw the show ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ with Gordon Ramsay as well as the show with Guy Fieri,” Deuce said. “It’s called ‘Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.”

“Ever since then, I’ve wanted to be like Guy Fieri and Chef Ramsay,” Deuce said.

The biggest obstacle that he faces is handling cooking ware and utensils. “I have the passion,”  Deuce said. “But everytime I attempt to turn on the stove, my darn hooves get in the way!”

Deuce’s disdain for horse unfriendly cooking ware was quite clear when he was interviewed. He said that he wanted more equine-friendly cooking ware and appliances. His parting words were those of a warning to the culinary world.

“History has known the human race to be the dominant species in terms of cooking skill,” Deuce said. ”But I swear to you, that I, Chef Deuce, am not horsing around when I say that I will be the greatest chef. And to all my neigh sayers, you will rue the day when I am on top. Then, it will be time to bring you to flavor town.”